It's been building up. I have moments in time where I start to think that maybe it's time to start blogging, but think "I don't really have anything worth saying," or "I don't have time right now." But today I knew it was time. It's like an itch you can't scratch, a release....

But now, I have plenty to say, plenty WORTH saying, but I don't know how to say it. I usually edit my posts, but this I think deserves to be raw. So here you are. Beware. The unedited scripts of me. So I've got my most contemplative and reflective music on.... (none other than Bon Iver of course). Here we go. 

Where to start.....

I guess the things that are troubling me the most lately is the double standard we raise our children at. How can anyone expect the next generation to be mature and responsible when we ourselves are not. I've always hated the saying "Do as I say, not as I do." There's no way that's a reliable way of teaching your children. I guess I should explain where all of this is coming from. 

I've had some serious family issues these last few weeks. Fortunately, they came during a good time... if there is such a thing. I happened to be on Spring Break and had the week off of work. It was much easier to deal. But I guess you could say I'm just now coming out of a serious state of depression at the moment. 

I'm not going to say what happened, but a lot of raw emotions came from this situation. Anger, embarrassment, loneliness... it was infuriating, upsetting, and I felt very helpless. Plus I was getting a lot of very unwanted attention. Even now, it's difficult to feel all these things at once, but just because it's unwanted, doesn't mean it goes away on it's own. I look at this post as part of my way of coping. So bare with me please. This is taking a long time to write. I keep telling myself I'm not ready to have this published... not ready to put it all out there yet, but I feel like it's something I have to do. 

Logotherapy says life is about our attitudes towards it. Similarly, someone once said "Life is 10% what happens to us, and 90% how we react to it." So although this maybe be a horrible situation I'm in, I'm being optimistic and saying I'll get through it alive. And that's what matters. 

I have enough on my mind though. I don't want anymore. It's enough that I'm dragging through this rough spot. With that, and school, and work... I really don't need so much more. 

My "sister," who I should mention I haven't spoken to or seen in about 10 years.... who, I should also mention, I looked for years for, finally found, and nothing changed... She and my brother didn't want to see me, speak it me, even acknowledge me.... I thought I found them, but what I found instead is that they didn't want to be found. Only recently had I come to terms with this. I finally, as hard as it was, acknowledged that, in their eyes, I wasn't good enough. Below I posted the blog I wrote when I first found out where they were and how they were doing. Some of you asked for an update... well... frankly, nothing has changed. They are still living their lives, and I'm trying to live mine. I'm not gorgeous, I'm not abundantly wealthy, I AM making something of myself but that's not important, and I'm not famous or anything. There is absolutely nothing they can gain by getting to know me. So why bother?

You see, I've reached a point in my life where I'm not putting up with games. I've been through enough... don't beat around the bush, don't play games... tell me like it is or I'll say it for you. 

Anyway, my "sister" suddenly is very interested in my life and this situation. She says that this particular family member is one of her own also, and that she and my brother deserve to know because "people from Harlan are calling and asking" about what is going on. And by the way, how are you? 

I didn't reply.

I don't feel like I owe her anything. I'm not some news source. If she wanted to know, she should have bothered to get to know her own sister. I'm not someone who you can just abandon and expect them to be there when you want to spread gossip and need information. 

So there's my first rant. I didn't need all of those emotions of being deserted, unimportant, and unworthy of affection all over again, AND on top of the new emotions that are so very huge in my life right now. 

Then, my Uncle, who I've only met once because he has issues about not being a legit child (seriously, no one really cares... ) is calling ME to find out whats going on, but refuses to help because this family member has never done anything for him. What happened to family being about closeness and bonds between each other? Who says your blood has to be pure and Holy to be a part of a family? So no... anonymous Uncle, I will NOT be calling when news comes up. If you are frustrated with your sister and mother, you should call and tell them about it... I don't know you, and YES that is YOUR fault, and I don't appreciate you coming to me with all your drama when I have enough of my own.

So when a family situation like that has come about, I don't think it's exactly fair that I should have to carry all the emotional baggage of everyone else as well. 

Next time you call... I'm redirecting you to someone else. If you ask why, I'll tell you, but it won't be what you want to hear. I'm done.

There's my second rant. 

60-something year old Uncles and 30-something year old sisters should be a little more mature and considerate. 

After you sort out all of the drama. The truth is, it's hard. It's really hard for me right now. 

I'm not sure who my audience is. But if you know about the situation, here's something you need to know.

What you are hearing is most likely untrue. 

When I said a few posts ago that I wanted to be a sex therapist, and that I felt that if I had someone to talk to back then, events would not have happened to me perhaps. These two things are completely unrelated. I was referring to stupid decisions that I made in adolescence. 

What is happening to my family is an accusation was made up specifically to deter any of us from associating with a particular person again. She wanted to cut all ties. Also, this masochistic person likes her revenge, and is a compulsive liar. 

The family member she accused is without guilt, and I'm proof of that. 

And that's all I'm saying.

I feel .... a little better.

I can say that this has really brought Chris and I closer together. He has been there for me through all of this, even when I didn't want his help, but I certainly needed it.

Thank you.